Finding a Place in this World

It has been said that that worst feeling in the world is feeling alone in a room full of people. For me, this loneliness has been on the streets of Naples. Sometimes, the road is so packed I can barely move, and yet, I have no one to talk to...

In my first few months here, after my husband left for work I’d sometimes sit on our bed and cry. I knew it was stupid, and yet I couldn’t stop crying. After the excitement of moving to a new place wears off there’s a lull and realization that you have to create a new life in a totally foreign space where you know no one, nothing, and can’t communicate. It didn’t help that the first few months I was here all it did was rain!

Sad as it is, sometimes it feels like the only Italians I talk to are the ones I pay. Basically, my landlords, anyone I buy goods from, and my Italian teachers.

I thought I was making a friend when an Italian started chatting with me often and inviting me to do things until she canceled almost every time. Always at the last minute.

Thursday is my favorite day of the week because I have a private lesson with an Italian teacher for an hour. Yes, she talks to me because I pay the school and not because she wants to spend time with me or get to know me as a person, but at least I have someone to talk to once a week (silver lining???).

I invite almost every person I meet to get coffee. (May I note here that a coffee in Italy literally takes two seconds?!)

Here are some common responses:

*I am busy

*Thank you, but I can’t

*Maybe another time

*We’ll see

*I’ll let you know

*Let’s organize later (I am still waiting for later...also still waiting for a direct “yes”)

Here are (some) things I have googled:  

*How to make friends

*How to make friends as an adult

*How to make friends in another country

*How to make friends in another language

*How to make friends in Italian

*How to make friends in Italy

Goals when I got here:

*Speak Italian fluently within one year

*Make TONS of Italian friends

*Build a life in Naples

Revised goals:

*Communicate in Italian

*Make ONE Italian friend (spot still open. ha.)

*Make the best of my time here, but realize Italy will never truly be my home

For months, loneliness and my longing for friendship has eaten away at me. I have lived, worked, and travelled to dozens of countries and throughout my life I have always been able to make friends easily. So why does living in Italy make me wonder what is wrong with me?! I have a few hunches...

1.      I am not working or studying. When I look at the friends I have made throughout the years, I have met most of them at work or school. It’s hard enough making friends as an adult, but if you don’t go somewhere on a daily basis, it is really hard to form relationships.

2.      I am older and don’t speak Italian. No joke, making friends as an adult is hard. It also doesn’t help that most people my age are raising children; priorities in your 30’s change. I am also doing my best to learn Italian, but I am not at a place where I could have a profound conversation. And that is limiting. (I’m also afraid people think that talking to me in Italian is work)

3.    Italians are hard to befriend. I know, I know. Italians are open and loving people. YES, this is true. However, before coming here I was warned that Italians will talk to you, but they have had the same friends since childhood, so breaking the barrier is challenging and maybe impossible as a foreigner. I also heard that if you are able to befriend an Italian you’ll become like part of their family. I have found the first part to be true, I am now hoping to discover the second part.

4.      I travel a lot. Sometimes I travel for weeks at a time. During my travels I rarely feel lonely because I am always doing something. I also meet people along the way (I talk to everyone) and often go for drinks, explore part of a city, or grab a meal with someone I just met. But when I come back it often feels like I have to start all over again.

I am better and stronger now, which is one reason I am able to write this post. Sometimes I get frustrated, but it has been quite a while since I woke up feeling like I could do nothing but cry! And no worries, I find ways to occupy my time – I am studying Italian, planning our trips around the world, and often spend hours exploring Naples. But I won’t lie, it has been challenging trying to figure out who I am without having a formal job.

I’d also like to note that I live here with my wonderful husband. We have deep and meaningful conversations, travel around the world, and adventure and grow together. So when I say I am lonely, it is in the sense that I wish I could spend the day with others and I wish I could make Italian friends so I can truly experience the language, culture, and friendship of someone here. Please don’t take this post to mean that I don’t find happiness and fulfillment in my marriage; because believe me, I do. I have also met pretty wonderful people, mostly other foreigners who are not here long-term. But Italians are some hard nuts to crack.

Every time I move to a new place I need to make new friends. It has been easier in other places, but don’t get me wrong, it was still hard. I always go through a phase where I feel lost, this phase is just lasting a LOT longer in Italy. I still have faith it is just a phase, and I am hoping maybe things are already starting to change...

I used to think if I went away for a period of time no one here would notice. BUT we were just traveling for one month and upon my return THE FRUIT GUY asked where I had been, how my sister is and where she is at. I wave to the florist, baristas, and fruit vendor every day and just maybe people are finally starting to notice me. I went to an Italian class that same day and the teacher asked for my number and if I’d like to hang out or get coffee sometime. It was the first time I had met her. Maybe things are starting to look up J

**I sometimes write about these topics because I want people to know that expat life is not always glamorous. Yes, we travel a lot, and yes, I often post pictures that show us adventuring all over the world. But everyone looking at these pictures shouldn’t think that life here is easy. Everyone has their own struggles; this is life. So dream of that adventure, of living abroad; live vicariously through photos. But know that life is not always what it seems; also know that wherever you are in the world, you’re doing just fine.