Isolation & mental health (coronavirus is not helping my anxiety)

I thought about writing a mental health blog at the beginning of the lockdown in Italy, but as you can imagine it is something extremely personal. However, now that many others will be trapped inside (worldwide), potentially with negative thoughts that weigh them down, I’ve decided to share my perspective and how I’ve been coping. We are currently nearing the end of week two under a national lockdown, and coping with anxiety has probably been one of the hardest parts of being stuck inside. 

Please note that I am not a medical professional. These are my personal experiences.

A little background on me:

In a nutshell: I am generally a happy person who likes connecting deeply with people I feel close to; I like to go out but also appreciate time alone and I am constantly thinking about something (and most likely overanalyzing it). I like to be helpful and I love constantly learning. I spend a lot of time thinking about what to say because I know, at least for me, words cut deep.

I can strike up a conversation with almost anyone, but contrary to what many may think, I actually like spending time by myself to recharge. I prefer developing profound relationships with few people rather than superficial ones with many, and my weekly lunches, coffee dates, and happy hours with my friends give me joy and remind me of my love and appreciation for others. When someone makes an impression on me I never forget them.

I also feel extremely deeply, and while my nervousness multiplies when others around me are agitated, I’m more relaxed when others are calm. I can tell immediately how others are feeling, and if something is wrong, and I can’t help feeling others’ pain and joy along with them. I sometimes wonder if empathy and anxiety are correlated, and if my empathy could be a contributor to my anxiousness.

I think it is a blessing and a curse to feel so much so deeply, but I don’t think I’d ever change this aspect about me. Yes, loving deeper means hurting deeper. Sometimes sadness means feeling like you're drowning in a deep abyss. Heartbreak, rejection, and pain sometimes bring forth a feeling of sinking. At times it feels like the light is fading all around you and the world is sucking out all the air making it harder for you to breathe. It always gets better, but while you are spiraling out of control, it’s hard to grasp on to life and rationality in the moment. But on the other end, when I'm happy, I'm really, really happy. I love with all my heart, get really excited, and am easily inspired. Even if it's more challenging at times, I'd still choose to weather the bad to experience the good.

And Anxiety?

I don’t think I have always been an anxious person, or if I was at least I always had somewhere to channel my anxiety and make it work for me. A friend posted this picture and it is spot on. 

Who knows, maybe this anxiety has been buried deep inside me for years, I just didn’t realize it because I thought it was normal to always be stressed at work…well, at least what was killing me made me good at my job…

I first started feeling anxious only recently: 

I think I first took note of my anxiety when I came to Italy. I thought my loneliness and overthinking was just due to being an expat adjusting to a new country, not having any friends yet, and having more time to think because my visa didn’t allow me to work (I have, however, spent time volunteering, teaching, going to school, and planning trips around the world). I wondered how I could be stressed when I wasn’t doing anything…turns out having nothing to do is a lot harder for me than being ridiculously busy.

I also felt guilty for not working and feeling like this when I have the freedom others don’t to “do whatever I want.” It was hard coming from a society where what you do largely defines who you are. Without a job I was constantly questioning what I was doing to contribute to society, if I was good enough, what I would do when I go back, why can’t I make friends, and if I am wasting years of my life (in the end I do absolutely think it is worth it to travel the world and spend time with my husband; it’s just a different mindset than in DC and needing to be a highly productive member of society in a very specific way).

Then there was the loneliness aspect - I didn’t have any friends. And it was really hard making friends; I often felt like friendship with me was a burden because no-one ever seemed to want to spend time with me. I learned Italian to talk to people but realized more than ever before that communication goes beyond language - it extends to culture, personality, perspective, age. One of the hardest lessons I’ve learned here is even if you can speak the same language, it doesn’t mean you understand someone or know how to communicate with them. 

I started getting really sick in Italy, mostly after I ate. But I also had severe migraines, stomach pains, and daily headaches. After many specialist visits I finally learned that I was allergic to wheat, and a change in diet helped a lot.  But my allergist also talked to me about the mind-gut relationship, and told me how important mental health was, and how closely linked it is to our physical well-being. My allergist asked me a series of questions and I can’t remember all the questions, but I do remember his response. He was the first person to ever tell me he thought I suffered from anxiety, and asked if I would be interested in a low-dose anti-anxiety medicine to help keep me calm (I declined, but the more I think about it the more I doubt he was wrong on the anxiety front).

I googled anxiety and the first thing that came up was this image. It almost looked like it was me in a picture. 

Source: verywellmind

Now imagine adding a coronavirus and a lockdown to this situation: 

Throw a worldwide pandemic into the mix and I feel like my anxiety is on steroids.

My head is an endless sea of negative thoughts that devour me and sometimes make it hard to concentrate on anything beyond breathing. Every day is mentally exhausting and I try to keep busy to stop myself from thinking. While I try to fill my time cooking, organizing, or talking to friends it is really hard spending time away from social media, trying not to refresh the news every two seconds, or just sitting there staring into space letting my thoughts wander to whatever dark place they may take me. I can feel every emotion to its extreme in the same day - one moment I’m on a high from talking to my sister, the next I’m staring into space contemplating death. 

Some days I’m more aware of my heart than others. Sometimes it flutters; other times it beats hard, sometimes up into my throat, in my ears, or like it’s trying to escape from my chest. I feel heavy, exhausted. I can’t seem to ever get enough sleep, and when I’m awake every inch of my body hurts. I go from not having an appetite to suddenly starving and needing to devour everything in sight. Some days I get headaches, other days it takes everything in me not to cry. 

What do I worry/think about? 

Everything. 

I worry about:

• Children who can’t eat unless they’re at school.
• Students who are homeless once they leave campus. 
• Those who will lose their jobs during this crisis. 
• Families who will no longer be able to afford food and rent.
• The stress brought upon having to both telework and homeschool full-time.
• People taking advantage of others and using this crises for personal gain.
• Women who are abused and aren’t safe in their homes. 
• Refugees who can barely get by when there isn’t a pandemic. 
• Humanity and how we will choose to respond. 
• Not being able to help. 
• Political leaders making the wrong choices and not admitting when they’re wrong, and not caring or taking into consideration the best way to take care of their people.
• US systems not being able to handle all the sick, poor, hungry, and weak. 
• Our social systems continuing to fail us. That when this is over we will return to “normal” and not learn that we need to do better and take care of our citizens.
• Trump being our president. I worry about the lies he tells and the danger he puts us in. 
• People who can’t get tested or treated. And those who don’t have insurance or bad policies, and can’t afford care. 
• My pregnant friends, both those who have recently announced their pregnancies and those who are about to give birth. I worry about my friend’s sister who was induced and gave birth three weeks early last night to make sure she had a bed, then hemorrhaged. 
• My friend’s dad in chemo, no longer able to have even his spouse with him during treatments. 
• My friends who work in the medical field. My nurse friend told me that patients are stealing supplies and they have to lock up hand sanitizer and wipes. Due to shortages everyone is allowed one mask; even if they treat someone with COVID-19 they need to wash the mask then reuse it again.
• Italy’s death toll surpassing China’s, and what that means for the country.
• The US being right behind Italy yet people aren’t taking it seriously. News anchors claimed it was nothing, and people still think it’s a hoax. 
• My biggest fear is probably losing friends and family. I especially worry about my mom, who is immunocompromised. She’s also a nurse who normally takes her students to a hospital that already has a confirmed case of coronavirus.  As with most nurses, she has a big heart and would care for anyone in need. I know that all medical staff put their lives before others every day, but losing her in the wake of a pandemic seems too real to handle because I can’t imagine a world without her.

This virus seems like a horror story unfolding in real time. Sometimes it seems like a nightmare I can’t pull myself out of. I pinch myself to wake up, only to realize I can’t wake up from my dream because this is real life. 

I think about death a lot. Probably more than I should, but it is also hard not to. I worry that those who die will only become a number to most. I worry about dying and not being able to say goodbye. I worry about my family dying and not being able to see them again. I wonder if death is painful, or if I’d know it was coming.

So how do I cope?

I try to think about all the good in this world - teachers offering to help parents online, medical staff giving their all, volunteers providing meals to children who normally eat at school, strangers offering to talk to those who are lonely, Italians singing on balconies. I try to remember that even though we can’t be together, we are not alone. In life we all need a support system, and right now is no different (we just might need to lean on each other a bit more).

A friend in the US told me that things are changing every day there, and more people are staying inside and teleworking. She asked for advice on how to stay busy and keep her mind off of things. While isolation will be different for everyone, 

Here is a list of things I’ve done (or am planning on doing!) during my time at home:

• Create a routine/list of things to do daily. (Essential!!!)
• Yoga. (I am lucky to have a balcony - if you have an outdoor space I’d highly recommend doing it outside.)
• Meditate, stretch.
• Do group workouts. (This helps keep you accountable. I have P90X on a hard drive for home, and there are exercise apps that you and friends can download  to help you work out together.) 
• Journal, blog. (Writing can help alleviate stress and help you organize/analyze your thoughts.)
• Listen to classical music. (I’m listening to Yo-Yo Ma as I write.)
• Bullet journal. (It also lets you express your creativity!)
• Start an online book club. (Why not read a bit and share your thoughts with others?)
• Try new recipes.
• Learn a new language. (Study Italian with me! My school is currently doing online classes!)
• Skype (or other video chat) dates with friends and family. (This has kept me sane. Reach out to your people - you/they probably need it!)
• Look up silly videos on YouTube. (Laughter really is the best medicine!)
• Daily social media posts, such as Facebook and Instagram stories, to let others know you’re ok. (I have been told by many that this is helpful, and I plan to try to keep doing this every day!)
• Ask friends for show recommendations on Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime.
• Refrain from constantly reading the news and checking social media. (I know, this is hard for me too…some days I am better at this than others.)
• Know your stress triggers and how to deal with them. Think of ways you are in control, and what you can control in your everyday life.
• Think of a new hobby or thing you want to learn and try it out!
• Take it one day at a time. 

On my best/happiest day under the lockdown I talked to so many people. I started with breakfast via Skype on my balcony with friends from the US, Germany, and Austria. I later talked to three of my four sisters. I dug out my yoga mat, had a salad for lunch, and cleaned.  My feelings vary day by day but I have learned I feel stronger and have more hope when I talk to others. (And when I do have momentary freak-outs, I am thankful for my husband who is always calm and there to reassure me that things will be ok.)

I’d like to think that things are getting better (the first few days were extremely difficult), that I can control my emotions and reactions more this week and hopefully as this lockdown becomes more “normal” I will able to be productive in some way. 

Again, I am a not a medical professional, but personally I’d suggest focusing on the things that can you can control (I know, harder than it sounds!). If you are stuck inside and want to be productive, focus on all the things you always meant to do but didn’t have time - write that book, embrace your creativity and paint, make that business plan, learn that language. And most importantly, stay connected. Humans were meant to interact with each other. Reach out to your family and friends; reconnect with those you’ve lost touch with over the years (virtually, of course!). We need to find strength in each other and help one another through this difficult time.

It’s not all bad

And this is what I need to remember. 

I need to continue to think about the things that make me happy, and capitalize on times when I am feeling good to be productive (or to just survive!). I feel better when I’m outside and the sky is blue, and I have a routine, exercise, cook and eat well.  

The other morning I woke up from a beautiful dream. I was out with friends and we laughed so much. Throughout different scenes some of the most important people in my life showed up to have a drink or chat for a while. It was so beautiful and I was so happy. I woke up still feeling the warmth and comfort from my friends; I could still see their smiles, feel their presence, hear their voices. I tried to hold on to them for as long as I could; after all, this is what we are fighting for. We are on lockdown, staying home, for the sake of our loved ones. We are sacrificing today so we can have a tomorrow. Living in solitude so we remain healthy and alive, and able to celebrate life with our friends in a (hopefully not so distant) future once more. Humans are meant to touch and I long for the time when I can once again embrace all those dear to me.